You're So Intense

I was described as "intense" today.  Twice.  Before 7am.

Both incidents occurred at the gym. 

One was by a woman in the locker room who claimed that because I don't engage in banter every morning with every person that walks in (yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic here), and because I have on my "game face" when I get ready to swim that I'm "really intense."  Ok... thanks for your input.

Then, in the middle of my workout, some guy comes over and says, "I really admire your intensity."  He went on to say that every time he sees me in the pool (which is not particularly often, I would note), he really sees me working hard and admires my intensity. 

Same dude later mansplained to me that I should be sure to include some easy workouts so that I don't overdo it.  (insert eyeroll here)

So, yeah... I guess I'm intense when I'm working out.  I am there to do a specific thing - exercise.  I'm not there to chit chat.  I'm not there to make friends - although I am friendly with some of the morning pool crew.  I'm not there to putz around and pretend to do stuff.  I know that there are a LOT of people who treat the gym as social time.  I don't.  So, I guess if that comes off as intensity, so be it. 

But, that word is definitely a trigger for me.  That phrase, "You're so intense" is not one that I feel is complimentary in any profound way.  It's a phrase that was thrown at me often when I was a younger human - more often than not as a criticism. 

"You're so intense, you need to relax." 
"You're so intense, why can't you just take it easy?"
"You're so intense, everything is not such a big deal."

"You're so intense...."

Here's the first thing... this word is perceptive.  It's how someone else sees me.  That can be really upsetting... especially when the suggestion underneath is that my "intensity" is read as "meanness."  I don't chit chat at the pool at 6am, so I must be a mean person.  Of course, these people don't know me from Eve... so, they're basing a personality trait judgment on whether or not I'm chatty at 6am at the gym.  (insert shoulder shrug here)

And, here's the other thing... I am intense.  To some extent.  We all are. 

I work out intensely.
I work intensely.
I compete intensely.

I also love intensely.
I also care intensely.
I also fight for what I believe in intensely.

So, I guess if my 6am swim practice game face is too intense for some folks, I'll just have to accept that.  I'll have to own it. 

And, as is apparently my tendency, I'll be sure to do so intensely. 

To Blave...

"Hey!  Hello in there.  What's so important?  What you go here that's worth living for?"

Miracle Max had a point, I think.  What are we doing here?  What's really pushing us along as we trundle through this thing called life?

There are often expressions of thanks at this time of the year... as we gather together with friends and family and stuff our faces with more carbs than we normally eat in an entire month.  As we look around the room at those we love, or maybe just like, or maybe not even like that much at all, but we feel grateful for them in one way or another.  They are a part of us.  A part of who we are.  A part of our life.

So, as I muddle my way through a few blissful days of vacation - letting the stress of a semester well fought slip away until I'm back on campus - I suppose I should add my thanks to those fluttering about in the world right now.

This year has been tough.  Then again, I feel like those words get uttered more and more as my years go on.  Maybe that's just the way of life... to be tough.  To be challenging.  To throw you curve balls more often than you'd like.  Just to ensure that you're still on the road to something, to somewhere, to someone?

Given all that's gone on in the last 12 months, I have this to say...

I'm forever thankful for my family.  My family by blood and my family by choice.  I'm honestly not quite sure where I'd be if not for the people that have surrounded me during my adult life.  They have kept me strong, kept me honest, kept me laughing, and kept me looking forward.  I am sometimes shocked, when I look around, to find that I've somehow been deemed worthy of having such people by my side.  I see in them all of the things that I hope to be: witty, caring, loyal, giving, wise, and loving.  I know that I'm not all of those things - none of us are - but, I'm grateful to those who patiently stand by me as I try to be.

I'm thankful for a roof over my head (even if it's a little leaky right now and in need of repair)!

I'm thankful for food on my table, kitties on my lap, and whiskey in my glass.

And, as always, I'm thankful for a partner who makes my days silly, my nights toasty warm, and my life better.

I wish everyone a beautiful Thanksgiving, a warm holiday season, and a wondrous new year!

I Fell In Love Three Times

It's another one of those posts where I'm challenged to explain what has happened in my life since my last post in May.  So... as is typical of my approach to this... here's a bunch of photos...

Just after finishing up with Masters Nationals in Indy, I got started on my summer...

I fell in love.  

With London.  As I fully expected I would.  For some reason, walking the streets of London, drinking in the pubs of London (especially Tottenham), and sitting in the sun with Simon, Emma, and the dogs feels right.  It feels like home.  It feels (as it has for so many years) like the place that I belong.  I miss England daily, now.  I count the seconds until I can get back there and explore beyond London.  I devise plans of varying sorts to get myself across the Atlantic to those beautiful islands off of the continent.  I will get back.  Soon, I'm sure.

I worked my way out to the west coast of the states again this summer!  I spent some time with Robin - eating watermelon in the California sun and just generally loving our time together.  I swam in the mornings at the Rose Bowl, and we got to watch my boys play a wonderful game against Barca at the Rose Bowl - a stadium that I've always wanted to visit.

 I fell in love again.


With my camera.  After borrowing a huge lens from an online site, I decided to turn the rental into a purchase and renewed my romance with my cameras.  I took a film photography class at school and spent many hours behind the lens in London, Florida, NJ, PA, Maryland, Virginia, and California.  Falling in love with that mode of vision again was fabulous.

I completed something that I always wanted to do when I took my motorcycle safety course and got my endorsement.  Led by two AMAZING coaches, I finished my weekend class feeling ready to get on a bike and ride.

And, thus... I fell in love AGAIN.

This time with a silver haired beauty who now lives in my garage.  Liath and I have already had some lovely voyages together - out to the pine barrens, up to the Jersey coast, and even over the bridge into Philly.  I look forward to so many miles with this lovely lady.

So, it's been quite a thing... these last few months.  There have been some "downs" - of course.  Losing people that I love, losing faith in certain others, general anxiety about where I'm going as an individual and where we are going as a larger cohort.  But, I'm lucky to spend every day with amazing colleagues, fabulous students, a wonderful partner, and true friends who remind me that the struggles are what makes a post like this - abounding with love - possible.

Spring Nationals Recap

So, despite a recurrence of my back issues about 1.5 months ago, I kept my sights set on going to Masters Nationals in Indianapolis this past weekend.  I simply couldn't give up the hope that I could get through the pain and messed up body with some PT and still do some decent stuff in the pool.  I figured that this was it for me.  My last race.  My last competition of any sort.  My last "duel in the pool."

But, thanks in great part to the AMAZING Dr. Howard, I managed to get the pain to subside just in time to hop a plane to Cincinnati and Indy for the event.  My right leg is still coming around in terms of weakness and I've still got a lot of strengthening and preventative work to do, but darn... I am no longer in pain.  The guy is a true genius.

Any who....

I spent a couple of days in Cincy with the family before heading to Indy.  Seeing my Grams and just sitting with her was a wonderful way to keep calm before the storm of the meet and reconnect with her.  She's an amazing lady - going on 93 years of age - and still spunky as can be.  I also got to spend time with my Godparents and cousins, which was also just a blessing and a half.

But, then... the serious stuff got started.

We arrived in Indy Wednesday night and stayed in a fabulous AirBnB near the zoo and the Natatorium.  After settling in, my fabulous coach (my brother!!) and I headed over to the pool for a little warm up.  It was quiet - with only a few dozen people at the location at that time - but, you could feel the excitement in the air.  People were READY!  The pool was decked out in Masters Nationals backstroke flags, team banners were being hung all around the deck, and the vendors were setting up in the concourse.  This was Nationals!

Thursday was an early morning.  Since the 1000 Free was deck seeded, I wasn't sure when or where I would be swimming until they posted it at around 7:30am.  So, we went over so that I could get in the water for a bit, got my heat and lane information, then went back to the apartment to chill for a bit before it was game time.  Fluffy was definitely ready...

I had a solid goal in mind.  I wanted to go sub-12 minutes in the 1000.  I thought that this was a reasonable time to shoot for and I was feeling good in the water.  So, I set my sights on that as a number.  I knew what I had to hold for my splits (basically about 35 seconds per 50), and I had Aaron at the end of the pool counting for me.  So, if I was going too slow, he would bob the numbers up and down.  Too fast, he'd swing them side to side.  Right on pace, they wouldn't move at all.

I started swimming and all was well.  My goal was to see those numbers move not an inch!  About 27 laps in, my mind got the best of me for a moment when I thought, "boy... this hurts a bit."  But, I pushed that out of my head and dug back in for the last 250 yards.  I hit the wall first in my heat and turned to look for my time.  11:44.17!!!  WHAT????

Not only had I crushed my goal time, but I had finished 4th in my age group.  I was absolutely THRILLED.  I had secured my first MEDAL of Nationals!!!

We spent Friday in and around Indianapolis.  Checking out the city and the zoo.  The zoo is pretty rad.

Then, it was back to the pool on Saturday.  Fluffy was quite intrigued and ready to cheer!

I was swimming the 500 Free and the 100 IM.  The 500 went ok - I went out way too fast and had an awful back half, but still managed to finish in the top 10 again... taking 9th and getting medal #2.

The 100 IM was one of the races that I was really excited about.  It's a race that you don't get to do once you're over the age of 8!  So, to go back to it as an "old lady" was just a BLAST.  My goal was to do a 1:07.  I was seeded at a 1:10.  So, dropping three seconds in a 100 is no small task.  But, after a sketchy 500, I was ready for redemption!  I was also seeded 14th going in, and I wanted to get closer to the top 10 and a medal, but I knew that it was a long shot.

The race went off without a hitch.  I swam fast and strong and felt great the whole way through, other than being a little long on my back to breast stroke turn.  I hit the wall and turned to the board... 1:08.91!  It wasn't quite my 1:07 goal, but darn it, I was THRILLED yet again!  And... once the whole event shook down, I found out that I had finished 10th and earned medal #3!  This was getting crazy!!

Sunday came and I admit that I was feeling a little tired.  Fluffy was happy, as he'd found a new best friend and we welcomed Hamlet to the family.

But me?   I was a tad tired.  It had been a long week and a long weekend, but I was determined to get through the last two events... the 50 Fly and the 200 IM.  I was seeded 7th in the fly and was really hoping to go under 29.  My race felt GREAT.  When I saw that I'd done a 29.06, I was very happy... just 6 100ths away from my elusive 28!  Next time, I'm going to see that number up there.  Even better, I finished 5th overall!

The 200 IM was not so great.  I was just burned out by then.  My fly leg felt wonderful.  Easy and fast and solid.  The backstroke started to feel a little rough, but I was still holding it together.  And, then the piano fell on my head.  The breast stroke leg was BRUTAL.  The weakness in my right leg kicked in and propelling my body forward felt like I was dragging the whole pool with me.  I finished as hard as I could, knew that I had really left it all in the pool, but also knew that I had my only really bad performance of the weekend.  I added 5 seconds to my time... nearly bumping me out of the top 10.

Somehow, I managed (despite an awful swim) to finish 9th!

Wait a minute.  4th, 5th, 9th, 9th, 10th???  That meant that I had medaled in every event that I swam at Nationals!!  What the hotel????

Though this had been my dream and my goal for this event, I truly hadn't thought it was possible.  And yet... here I was, standing outside IUPUI's Natatorium with my mom and dad, my amazing coach-brother, and 5 medals around my neck.

I'll be honest... I'm still in a bit of shock about it all.  And, I'm also really excited by it.  That evening, as we made our final meal in our lovely weekend home, Mom and Dad began asking about Nationals in 2019.  They're in Mesa, Arizona.  They thought that sounded like a lovely destination and we started looking for AirBnB properties close to the Kino Aquatic Center.  

Looks like my swimming journey is not over, after all.   

Spring is Springing

Finally.

Except for the snow that they're calling for this weekend.  Jerks.

Really, though, you know how I know that it's spring??

Because Paris-Roubaix is this weekend!!!  Ahhhh... the Spring Classics season.  Currently, my favorite Wolfpack is dominating the races bring home victory upon victory for Quick Step.  I'm hoping that they can keep it up for one final race.  And, even more hopeful that the top step will feature this guy....

He's just so awesome.  

There's another way that I know it's spring.  Everyone and their brother keeps asking me about riding my bike.  

Friends... 

I've not touched a bicycle in over a year.  Remember the whole multiple back surgeries thing???

Thing is, the question still stings.  It's often followed by, "Do you miss it?"

Well, let's see... does one generally miss a body part when it's been forcibly removed?  

Of course I miss it.  I miss the glory of being outside pedaling with my friends.  I miss the thrill of launching an attack and seeing the gap open up between me and the field.  I miss the joy of crossing the finish line and knowing that I put it all on the line.  I miss the open space, the air, the sound of the wind in my ears, the sunshine.  

Hell, yes, I miss it.  

Then, I often get, "Well, can't you just ride anyway?  Like really easy, just 'go for a bike ride'?"

To which, I often look like this...

Shiba Tilt GIF from Pet GIFs

and say, "Ummm... no."

I guess the Fresh Prince was right. "Some people just don't understand."

Happy New Year

Well, it's 2018!

What does 2018 mean to me... other than another year has come and gone?

Well....

It means that I'm turning 40.  Oy.  In just a few short weeks, I'll officially have passed into another decade.  If you'd asked me a few months ago how I felt about it, I'd have shrugged and said, "meh... whatever."  Now, however, and for some unknown reason, it feels odd.  It feels somehow more significant.  It feels less like "meh" and more like "blech."  It's silly, really.  I'm happy.  I'm healthy.  I'm no different than I was 3 weeks ago when I was still 39.  But, something about this one feels icky.

Alas... I'm just being weird about it.

But, BLECH.  40.

I typically try to create some sort of resolution for the new year.  But, this year, I decided to try something new. Not a resolution (which will inevitable fail), but an intention.  See, the cool thing about intentions is that there's an aspect of them that is doomed to fail.  And, the failure is part of the process of the intention.  These are things you want to do better, or less, or more frequently, or not at all.  They are things that impact your daily life for good or ill and that you must try to do or avoid in order to continue to feel their impact.  As such, they're not things you're resolving to do, but things that you're mindfully intending.

So, here are my intentions:

- be more mindful.  Spend at least 3-5 minutes per day just sitting and being with myself.  Breathing. Feeling.  Stopping.  Slowing.

- be intentionally open to difference.  Be aware of others in a way that acknowledges where they are.  Who they are.  What they are.  Be aware of that and accepting of that difference.  I don't have to LIKE it, just be aware of it.

- be stronger. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I felt very weak in 2017. I felt tired. I felt worn out and worn thin. I don't want to feel that way again.

- be intentionally more optimistic.  This one may be damn near impossible.  But, I must try for it.  The world is way too messed up right now to think that it's going to get worse.  Geez - I can hardly imagine what that would look like.  So... optimism.  I need more of it in my life and will find it in various places.

So, raise a glass and toast to 2018.

To turning 40 (blech).

To intentions.

Elwood Greyhaven

It's with a heavy heart that we said goodbye to our eldest little furbaby.  Elwood passed away peacefully in my arms in front of his favorite warm fireplace on November 28, 2017.  His last few days were filled with more snuggling, treats, warm laps, and love than I thought he could even bear.  

I will never forget the day we got him from Camden County Animal Shelter.  It was mid-December and we got in the car (I didn't know where we were going) and Chuck showed me that there was a cat carrier in the back seat.  I could barely believe it... we were going to get a FURBABY for Christmas!  

We walked around the cat area at Camden County for what felt like ages.  There were so many amazing kitties there and a few that we really liked.  But, something didn't feel perfect.  We asked if they had any other kittens.  We were told that there were a few in the infirmary area - mostly for mild congestion that is common in the kennel areas.  

We walked back to that area and started to look at the sweet little purrs who were feeling a little under the weather.  One of them decided he wanted to say hi.  He came over to the gate of the cage and began to climb up the chain link door.  When he got to eye level with us, he looked at us and meowed.  I turned to Chuck, he turned to me, and we both turned to the woman working and said, "We want HIM!"  

We took him home that very day, naming him Elwood on the drive back to the house. 

In truth, he never stopped talking to us... he was a particularly loquacious kitty.  Especially at 4:00 in the morning, when he decided that it was time for us to wake up!  

He was a truly wonderful member of this family.  He was sweet, kind and caring with his siblings (especially Quin), and had the softest fur that ever kitty ever had.  

We are very grateful to Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice for helping us to say goodbye in the comfort of our home.  We simply could not imagine the stress of taking him to the vet's office (even though our vets at Rothman Animal Hospital are AWESOME!!!).  Dr. Anne was so kind and so sweet and so patient with us.  Thank you.

Wait... What Happened???

WTF?

No, seriously... WTF??  When did it stop being summer?  When did it become November?

Because... for serious...

It's NOVEMBER!!  What the hell happened to my life that I've not posted on here since August?

Well, let's see... the semester began and I've been utterly swamped with work.  Our free time and weekends have been taken up by weddings, trips to Sleepy Hollow (spooooooky), concerts, conferences, and other family fun events.  I suppose the best option here is my standard photo montage of our last couple of months.  So... without further ado... and in no particular order...

 Kaleo at the Tower Theater - by far one of the best shows I've seen to date.

 Little Brother-In-Law's wedding.

 Bathroom renovation!

Sick kitty post surgery (POOR BABY!!!!)... she's much better now!  THANK GOODNESS!!

 Bastille at the Filmore.

Met some famous people at Heroes and Villains in NJ.

Spent a sunny day with Ms. Bubbles... the coolest shelter dog.

Sleepy Hollow Pumpkin Blaze.  Totally rad.

 Spooky Cemetery Tour!!

 Mom and Dad at the Rodin Museum!

Little Sister-In-Law got married, too.

That brings us to early November.  I'm tired, but happy.  Exhausted, but optimistic.  Looking forward to the end of 2017 and the start of a new year.