A lot of people have come into and out of my life. Some of those have left indelible marks upon me. Some of them are still vital and thriving parts of my everyday life. Others entered through one door only to walk across my existence and leave just as quickly. In some very fortunate instances, those that I thought were lost have come back to me in some way. Others never will.
About 17 years ago, my outlook on so many things was changed by the arrival and quick departure of a boy who I will never forget. So many things in my life have drifted from my recollection...so many things that I can only partially recall or faintly envision. And yet, Danny's face has been permanently affixed to my memory. I will never forget that goofy smile that was captured in nearly every photograph of him. And, though I didn't see it when I was 15, I will always notice the depth of sadness that swam behind his eyes. Here was a boy who was lost...even before we lost him.
Depression is an incredible thing. Having only extremely minor symptoms of it around this time of the year, I cannot even fathom the sense of despair that must accompany the full-blown depression that haunted Danny. My feelings are dispelled by sitting in the sun, or in front of my "Happy Light." They are pushed away by a goofy gesture from my husband or an email that I have been hopelessly awaiting. They are made irrelevant by a 3-hour bike ride with precious friends. They are eventually silenced by the elongation of days and the return of warm weather.
For Danny, there was no end. There was no way to keep the sense of sadness at bay. Or, at least, the only solution was one that was truly final.
I don't know that I will ever stop seeing Danny's face. It seems to be one memory that I can conjure up at will. One memory that I can call upon at any time. It's always the face from my favorite photo of him...that grin upon his face, a silly wave, a boy full of hope and life. That's the only way I want to remember him.
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